This Is Snot The Way To Go!

Last night my best friend and I rode the subway uptown for dinner. It was only a short ride, but it seemed to take longer than any other subway ride I've endured. It was horrible, miserable, torture.

We got seats as soon as we boarded. She sat safely on the end, and I was seated next to a girl about 7 or 8, with messy hair and disheveled clothing. The girl was speaking in Spanish to her mother who was picking at her chipped manicure and taking up the rest of the bench on the other side of her daughter. The girl's sister was about 11, and sitting across from us working on homework. They occasionally screamed something at one another across the train. Pleasant.

It was a warm, breezy day in the city, and allergens were high. My BF had been sneezing quite a bit as had many people around the city.

Shortly after we sat down, Mom let out a huge sneeze. She paused and out of the corner of my eye I saw her pull the little girl up to her face and wipe her nose on the inside of her daughter's shirt!! I don't speak Spanish, but I can only guess that the Death screams that instantly ensued translated to “Mooooom, that is sick! Look at this streak of snot on my shirt! It's my favorite shirt” I imagine Mom's response, which was pretty much yelling, over the screams was “Well I didn't have any tissue so deal with it. It'll dry in like an hour, now shut up, your sister is doing her homework and I'm doing my nails!” They were both screaming at the top of her lungs and the girl was crying for the entire subway to hear. Plus she was lifting her shirt for all to see the streak of snot.

(I actually caught a glimpse of the snot streak, and barfed a little bit in my mouth. The image is burned in my memory. You should all thank me for not taking a pic.)

The girl was lunging from her sister, who was laughing hysterically, to her mom who was ignoring her. She then began punching and slapping Mom in combination with the continued Death screams, to no avail. Sister yelled a bit, and the girl then lunged back over and tried to steal the homework pencil... this caused lower pitched Death screams and crying from the sister, of course.

Fortunately, we were at our stop. I was about to have to steal the homework pencil myself – and ram it into my eyes and ears, putting an end to that misery!!

A Misshapen Head

You know why I hate camping? Because I hate the possibility of getting dirt on me. I also don't want to get dirt on my food or in my bed, or anywhere other than on the ground. Yes, yes, I live in New York City, and its very dirty here, but the dirt here stays where its supposed to be and you can clean yourself and your stuff. Camping dirt is unpredictable and you can't get rid of it until you go back to the city. Where its safe.

I also hate camping because of bugs. If you leave the city the bugs come out in full force, and the further out you go, the huger they get. Right? The bigger and greener the trees, the huger and scarier and more horrible the bugs are. Ew. They all fly, and they all have like 26 legs and antlers and at least 2 sets of fangs and a terrible poisonous bite. Don't bother looking them up on the internet. Nobody can post these terrifying creatures. They're too afraid.

So, this is why I've always lived in big cities. My dad tried to take us camping when we were little. I spent most of the weekend in the air conditioned van with my barbies.

Now, I live in midtown manhattan, as far away from a campground as you can get. But somehow, I have still not escaped the bugs.

No, don't worry, its not the multi-legged horned beasts that even Google won't post.... its mosquitos. Somehow, they're getting into our apartment. Of course I don't notice them before bed. They wait until I've been asleep for about 4 hours, then ease their way into my dream, into my ear... torturing me until I'm wide awake for the rest of the night.

Last night:

…...eeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I clapped the air above the bed a few times.... as if I might catch him just by chance.

Another one! UH! I was wide awake instantly. It was 3:45am. I looked at Hubs, how did my ferocious clapping not wake him up? He was sleeping so peacefully, and I was out for murder! Ah well, I stomped to the bathroom, and turned on the light hoping that would attract the little jerk. (not the sleeping Jerk, the blood sucking jerk.) I caught last week's attacker this way, but after 10 minutes of waiting, I was unsuccessful.

I scratched my chin, and looked into the mirror. He had gotten me! No wonder he wasn't following me into the bathroom. He was digesting a gallon of my chin blood!!!!! UH!

I'm allergic to mosquito bites, and when I get one they swell quite a bit. When bit on the face... its not pretty. I stared in disbelief as my jaw line expanded. Contorted...!! Last week I got bit on my finger. Then over the weekend it was my neck, which looked more like a hickey than anything. Classy, right? A 29 year old, unemployed girl with a swollen hickey. Nice. And now this. It looks like a puffy pink goiter. Oh sweet Jesus.

That's it, I went back to bed. But I was so mad, and I knew the little maniac was out there waiting to get me on the EYE or something. So I attempted to sleep the rest of the night under the covers, as I always do when I wake up to eeeeeeEEEEEE in the middle of the night.

When I got up at 7:00, I went to the mirror to see if he had struck again. Nope. Thank goodness. My hair was all a muck, from sleeping under the covers, and eyes were puffy from not really sleeping, and chin was still swollen, looking lopsided, like I have a misshapen head. Awesome. All from a friggin mosquito.

In The Library

I'm in the Library again.

You know, its quite entertaining in here, in a sort of irritating way... the talkers, the sleepers, the stinkers, the wanderers, and the random laughers... What the crap are these people doing in here anyway? Who lets them in?

Its difficult to concentrate on much of anything in here, so I don't know how any professional person can come in here and try to be professional. That's why I can't write serious blogs while I'm here. Ha. I'm too quickly distracted by one of the above. Someone will be talking or groaning or snoring or moaning. Sometimes there will be an argument over a computer or yesterday's newspaper or a broken pencil or... yes, a broken pencil.... Sometimes someone will yell at another for coughing too close to them.

Someone, well actually at least ½ the people in here smell terrible.... I don't know how that is possible. Its early in the morning, how could they already be smelly!? Yes, I know... I wonder this too. What do they smell like? Like toilet. It smells like toilet in the library. Why is there such a high concentration of bad smelling people in the library of all places? In the subway station I can understand. Or in the park... or on the sidewalk... but why here? I almost passed out in the elevator on my way up to the 4^th floor just now because of the remnants of someones armpit air... UH. My nose is dying.

The wanderers should also be kicked out. Theres a guy here today who is wandering around, oh and he also smells like sour cream gone bad, and he's singing. He has one hand in the back of his pants. He stops every few steps to stare at something, or nothing and sing his non song a little louder. Dude, stop looking at me. Don't touch my chair.

I think I should leave now. I smell too good for the library.

Ninja No No

Huh. Seems as though this guy has lost his way, and has mistaken Bryant Park for the local Karate dojo...

There isn't even 2 ft of space between us out here, and Kung Fu Charlie is karate chopping through the grass while everyone else is trying to enjoy their caesar salads and turkey sandwiches without getting a hi-ya to the back of the head.

What are we staring at?

In NYC you can pretty much get away with anything, and it seems that over the weekend I witnessed a little bit of everything. People doing things, wearing “outfits”.... singing and dancing around... its acceptable. I guess? Well I don't know if acceptable is the word, but its permissible. But are we staring at these people doing these things and wearing these clothes and dancing around in the daylight? Hmmmm.

Right now I'm in the Mid Manhattan branch of the Public Library. There is a grown man at a table near mine, he's fast asleep and snoring. He's probably 50ft from me and I can hear him as loud as if my head were on a pillow next to his head. I've been here for a good half hour and it has taken this long for the library attendant to pound on the table causing him to wake up. In the meantime, 3 cell phones have gone off on maximum high volume, interrupting the “peace” and the lady at the end of my table clears her throat with a goat-like grunt about every 25 seconds. This is library conduct for grown adults. I didn't even mention the guy who was in here last week, who kept burping. You would have thought we were in 4^th grade, because after the 3^rd time I responded with “Ewww, sick!” It didn't stop him.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, the attire being worn around the city is getting more interesting. (I'm sure I'll have fun with this in posts to come, stay tuned!) Check out the pic at the top. Wow! What you see pictured here is (the back of) a girl in what I'm only guessing is her nightgown and undies(?) with furry purple leg-warmers? Is this an outfit? Do the tattoos up the back of her legs actually make this more of a complete ensemble? Maybe that is what she was telling herself when she was getting dressed... or should I say when she was not getting dressed that morning.

Of course you'll often see people dancing freely down the street because New Yorkers wear Ipods in our ears at all times. Singing randomly is also acceptable. I admit I've been this person too, the singer, not the dancer. If you read the last post, you'll know I'm not the most coordinated, and I'm afraid the dancing would get me in trouble and I may run into someone or get hit by a cab... I saw a dancing guy out earlier today. He was wearing a dress suit and dress shoes, and had a massive hiking backpack strapped on with strings and straps flapping to and fro. He was dancing and punching the air, swinging himself all over the street corner. I watched him until the light changed, it was very entertaining, partly because he was pretty good looking, and partly because I was impressed since he was actually not listening to an Ipod...

I bring all these to your attention, because I just wonder if these people are getting stared at? I've mentioned in past posts about my leg injury, and I've now started wearing this really cute (sense sarcasm) knee brace that keeps my leg from bending, but helps me to walk at a normal, almost NYC pace... But, for reasons unknown to me, people (Um, including a man with a hook for a hand!) stare at me as if I'm walking on 3 legs, or I have 3 heads, or I'm traversing the city on a pogo stick, or a pixie stick, or I am wearing this brace around my knee and have no pants on my body.... Have I not just mentioned things that are actually worth staring at? I really don't think a knee brace on a limpy girl who is dressed in black, just like the rest of you people is anything worthy of your gawking. Please find some furry purple leg warmers already.

Rainy Day Cackle Box

When it rains in NYC, we must all take the necessary precautions. Get a good umbrella and weather-proof boots! The first week we moved here, I bought the boots, the rain boots. All New York women own a pair. Some are in a bright color or a fun print, which is an attempt to make us forget that the weather sucks....and oh by the way our hair sucks too. But its a failed attempt though. Sorry, cheerful little duckies on lime green boots don't make sloshing through brown muck puddles along the side walks of the city any more tolerable. The duckies are pissed about the weather too.

It only takes about half a block of moderate rain and a slight breeze to ruin your hair and begin the soaking process, by the time you reach your destination, whether it be at the end of the block, or the end of the island, your look is effectively ruined. So before you leave your apartment on a rainy day, don't even bother blow drying your hair just go straight to the hairspray for the extra stringy look, and go ahead and apply your eye make-up ...anywhere below your eyes... it'll end up there anyway. Nice.

So just imagine, any given rainy day, I'm walking down the street, half soaked/ half frizzed hair, pretty much looking a-fright. One arm is dry, while the other is drenched and trying desperately to guard my leather handbag from the downpour. (why I continue to carry a leather bag on rainy days, I do not know). My rain coat is off of one shoulder because I'm also trying to shove said handbag into the opposite side of my coat. (hmmm...I'm seeing more than one problem solved just by a simple handbag switch....I just don't know that I'm ready for that.) The raincoat cannot, therefore be properly secured around my waist with the belt, so it is hanging freely, dangling in the wind.... now its down the block.... and now lost. On a bum cart most likely. Nice. My pants are drenched up to my thighs from all the splashing and the only thing left in tact from the outfit assembled this morning are the frigging boots. Nice and shiny.

To top it off, as I'm trying desperately to shield myself from the wind and rain pummeling me head-on, a sudden gust comes along, causing my umbrella post to smack me directly in the middle of the forehead.

Now to be honest, this has has happened to me on several occasions. Not with the downpour, and the raincoat, and the guarding of the handbag... I'm talking I was just walking along in the rain, holding my umbrella in front of my head and BAM. Wind. Smacked myself!

I was talking with Hub the other day about how we've gone through a total of 4 umbrellas in the 6 months that we've been living in NYC, and how “Man I wish we could get one that could stand up to the wind! Cuz I keep smacking myself in the head!” He gave me the look, you can imagine. “What?” “You know! How when the wind gusts and you hit yourself with the umbrella!?”

Turns out he'd never done this before in his lifetime, and apparently I'm the only one to whom this happens! Ha!

So, just 2 days ago, when it was drizzling, and it happened, YET again. I was also LIMPING because of my gimpy leg, and I just had to crack up. Here I am, limping down the sidewalk all by myself, in the rain, DONK myself in the head with my own umbrella, and then laugh hysterically all the way home. Please tell me somebody got a pic of this.

VPL

Thank Heaven. Spring is here.

Now that you're no longer all bundled in layer upon layer of wooly mammoth sweaters and puffy coats that look like sleeping bags, more of you is ….exposed. Obviously this happens as the temperature rises, and in most cases it is refreshing to see people dressing brighter colors and lightweight fabrics. Heavy layers are shed for shorter skirts, cropped pants and frilly tops... and oh Sweet Lord. What is left unshielded now?

I just might have to jab out my eyes. VPL. Many of you know what I'm talking about, and for those who do, I'm thankful, because you're probably not contributing to this fashion faux pas. I'm targeting this blog to those of you who have either never heard of VPL or worse yet, know what it is, but think you don't have it. I'm talking about visible panty line.

If you are wearing pants or jeans that are fitted to your bum bum, there had better not be more than one … equator. If there is, you need to be wearing a thong. Don't tell me thongs are uncomfortable and the creep up all day long, puh-leez, they take like 11 seconds to get used to, and then you forget that they are up your butt at all. Go get a thong right now and put it on. Everyone who checks you out from behind will be glad you made this decision, I promise. YPL is the worst thing you can do to your fanny, to your overall style, and to mankind.